You don't know what it feels like

You don't know what it feels like. You don't have the history of disappointment, tears, sadness, and embarassment I have had. You can't relate and I don't expect you to; afterall, its my life. It's mine and I have and will deal with it one step at a time. I don't want your rationalizations, longwindedness or critiques, I want your understanding and emphathy. Is my selfishness in this situation such a crime? Can I lay claim to the time I have put into it beyond listening ears? The tears,the fears, the frustrating years? If you've never carried the burden of third party disappointment in the EXACT same way, I don't expect you to be able to relate. Not today.

Charge it to my heart and not to my head. For if it were my head I would think more and feel less. I wouldn't be emotionally wrapped up in this mess. But out of my heart comes the issues of my soul. And out of this situation comes issues of old. I'm tired and I want to give up, but I cant ignore the ties that bind. So my apologies if my approach you don't find/necessarily appealing...revealing who I really am or what I really believe. Its me.

Who knew love would be my greatest mountain?

When I was a girl, I lived a life overflowing with love: the love of my parents & family, the knowledge of people who loved me many miles away that I had never met, & the love children generally have for things that bring them delight (candy, June bugs, ice cream & cake, jumping in leaves, & slumber parties to name a few).

When I hit puberty, I became strangely aware that other types of love existed. There was romantic love, crazy love, innocent love, jealous love, true love. I saw guys showering girls with flowers, balloons, teddy bears & kisses on that crazy day in February. I saw a boy (yes, a boy) shoot & kill his girlfriend because she no longer wanted to be with him. I saw girls write anonymous notes to boys revealing their innermost thoughts. I attended a 50-year wedding anniversary & a wedding vow renewal. Each of these events was centered on this idea of love that I knew nothing about nor had I experienced for myself. Which of these was the real deal?

I had my first shot at love in high school. I gave freely of my emotions & my time. I was confident & secure & found joy in each moment with my guy. Time decided that we would not fall IN love, but I will always love him for the person & friend he is to me. I did not fail at my first attempt, I just did not win.

Those co-ed years hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a rush of reality & independence all at once. I met a lot of interesting people, but finally decided to give my full attention to one in particular. He was charming to say the least. I was a snake in a basket mesmerized by his sweet nothings & brown eyes. It was great at first, but let’s just say the train derailed & never got back on track. Though the train was chugging through the dirt of the forest & destined to crash, I dared not get off for fear of walking through the wilderness alone. Needless to say, that rationale did not work either. I stayed on that train through physical confrontation, dishonesty, tears, & unfaithfulness. Was this love? After all, he did tell me those three words.

I walked away from this situation. I finally walked away from this situation. Believe me when I tell you I was bruised by this. Not in a physical sense, but emotionally bruised. I was wronged but nor was I a saint. Yeah, I said those three words. Once. In a jealous attempt to have him to myself though I really didn’t want him. This so-called love began innocently & romantically with serenades & good times. This so-called love was disfigured & warped by craziness & jealously. This so-called love was not true. I did not win my second attempt, I just lost.

Fast forward through a few jerks to my third chance at love. It began innocently & romantically; full of joy and refreshing. Unfortunately, these feelings were soon replaced with future fears. Fears that were born through the poisoning of my past experiences. I began fighting hard, getting nowhere fast & pushed deeper into an abyss of insecurity daily. The woman who seemingly had it all had nothing for she had not love. Hell, i'm still fighting. One by one, day by day, I have been climbing and conquering life's mountains. While I was eating that candy, I never could have told you that...when I was running after those June bugs, I never would have guessed that...when I was eating my ice cream & cake, jumping in those autumn leaves, & heading to my next slumber party, who knew? Out of all the mountains I would face in my lifetime, who knew that love would be my greatest mountain?

Quarter Life Crisis & the Pursuit of Happiness

Hello world. Sorry to disappoint those who were actually keeping up with me via this blog. I have been busy with school, family, work/business, and personal relationships. In the midst of all that, I have neglected friendships, relationships, God and myself. I got everything I prayed for in ’05,’06 and ’07, but I still feel a void. This just lets me know that I wasn’t whishing, hoping, and praying for the right things.

The year is almost over and I’m ashamed to say that I’m still not 100% at peace with most of the events that occurred this year. I live in constant fear and it’s beginning to wear on me emotionally. I’ve been told that I’m not a very optimistic person and I must say it stung a little. What happened to the Akuba I used to know? The one who wrote poetry, caught June bugs, followed the underground hip hop scene in Athens, Ga., Miss Nonchalant, the aspiring fashion designer foreign diplomat and event planner?

I let the day-to-day wear me down, but I’m determined not to stay down. It’s not in my nature. Sure, I’ve had peaks: the birth of my God daughter, the rush of moving to an unknown place and holding my own, special moments shared with people I love, feeling a sense of accomplishment, reconnecting with old friends, starting a business…and many more…now I’m in search of wisdom and truth.

I am about to embark on yet another endeavor in 2009 that will put a lot of things behind me and prepare me for what’s ahead and I’m nervously looking forward to it. More to come on these changes soon!



Diligently seeking HIM…

AYT

My bad...

My goodness it has been a while. I've moved back to Atlanta. Im 25 now. I've laughed, cried, and prayed. I start grad school (again) August 27th...online this time. Im not really comfortable with where a majority of the aspects of my life are right now, but im banking on the words of my cousin that 'things just seemed to fall into place at 25.' I have a growing relationship with God. I have felt wronged, been double crossed twice, and had my kindness mistaken for something other than kindness twice. I have moved four times in the last twelve months. I have disappointed people and been disappointed by people. I have fallen in love and im walking in love, learning in love, crying in love, laughing in love...its crazy, but it fules the soul people. Try it. Im waaay more emotional than I used to be as recent as college. No more nonchalant me. I have parasailed, snorkled, and bought my first piece of art all in the same week. I'm on my grown woman.

I've learned to appreciate the fullness and rawness of living a full life, full of love, hurt, pain, joy and everything else. I welcome it all because I yearn to experience life in its rawest form...I cant really explain it. Im trying to find a hustle ya'll, so if a hustle knocks on your door, do me a favor and give it my cell phone number.

I've met some of the most amazing people and feel blessed to have crossed paths with each of them. I've read some really good books and ate some really good food. I have gained a few pounds and slowed down tremendously on my work outs.

But you know what? This is me right now and i'm learning to be ok with that so long as i'm constantly in motion headed upwards towards the next goal in life.


XOXO,

AYT...aka PYT...lol

I Hope You Dance...

Akuba,

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,May you never take one single breath for granted,GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,Never settle for the path of least resistanceLivin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance..

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

Lee Ann Womack